Search This Blog

Friday, December 30, 2011


This little adventure has not gone well...
Nothing I can do about that now, I suppose.

I wonder what the rules are for "breaking up" with someone online. I have the problem of developing "man crushes" on new friends. I'm absolutely crazy about the person for a length of time...then all of a sudden I feel like I can't put enough distance between us.
There could be several reasons for this.
1. I've spent way too much time on this person so, naturally, I would grow weary of him or her.
2. I subconsciously notice I have grown too close to this person and feel the need to detach from this possible source of pain.
3. I'm the love-them-and-leave-them type (in the friendship context, who knows what I could be in the relationship context) and have gotten all I want from the individual.
4. I'm fickle.
5. Once the man crush fades, I remember that the person is human which leads me into perceiving his/her behavior as unbearably annoying.
6.  I'm some kind of sociopath and therefore it is somewhere between difficult to impossible for me to develop deep, lasting bonds with another person. (My best friend would probably support this one...which makes one wonder why/how we have a mutual best friendship.)
By the way, I do have long term friends. XD They are the people I've managed to foster distinctly familial feelings towards.
Anyway, past break ups have occurred with a natural flow. Typically some event occurs, such as graduating, which makes the...loosening of ties...much more natural.
I'm not quite sure what to do now. I guess I'll continue ignoring this person. I'm sure that sounds pretty bitchy, but I figure saying nothing is better than whatever half-assed and probably ill-tempered explanation that I would give.

Maybe it would be better for everyone involved if I just run off and become a hermit.
Oh dear, I feel dreadfully sorry for anyone who ever tries to date me. You poor, poor bastard.

She howls,


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sometimes You Just Have To Try...

...because either nothing else works or anything that could work doesn't fit into the budget. (Hm. Does that count as not working?) I have a problem or two (or more). Sometimes these problems build upon one another until something breaks down. I feel like I might be reaching that point.
So, in an effort to avoid a nervous breakdown (or worse), I'm going to construct an online diary of sorts. I'm going to set a few rules for myself.
1. Complete Honesty. *
2. Don't use this as a way to procrastinate.
3. Must write in this if still awake after 2 A.M.**
4. Don't use this as a self-hate session.
5. Post at least once a month.
6. Don't avoid topics just because they are uncomfortable.

*Everything needs an asterick, especially this rule. The exception to Rule 1 is "omit identifying information." I'm not allowed to reveal such things as real addresses and names.
**Double asterick. You know things are getting serious down hee-yah. (snort) The exception to this rule is when I'm working on school related material.

My mission: I hope that by sharing my thoughts and feelings will improve my quality of life. I suffer from bouts of extreme apathy (depression?) and insomnia. I'm tired of not getting assignments complete on time. I'm tired of withdrawing from my loved ones and wishing I am the only one in the world. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person in the world. I'm stuck in my head and I can't find my way out. But maybe...even if this isn't my way out, this might open my eyes wide enough to find the path.

She howls,